Finding Faith In A Funk

I'm quite sure now I've fallen into a post-partum funk. The book is done, I'm only waiting on the copy editor to send me her share of jots and tiddles for changes. Amazing how much adrenaline and hope that the book stirred up in me. Now I'm left to think, 'This book is dookie. No one is going to want to read it! Those who do will think it's a pile of self indulgent crap! I bet I open the pages and shudder, 'did I really write that?' (I'm told these doubts are standard for even the veteran author. Yet I'm still mortified).

In the meantime, the acting business has grinded to a halt. There may be plenty of roles for kids on High School Musical or CSI: Pacioma. But not for me. And so I've gone back to ... Ta Da: TEMPING. There is nothing better to squish your ego like a roach than to go back to a temp agency.

This week I was placed in the development department of a studio that produces animation for children. What do you know, they're getting into reality TV! Because, well, it's the only thing that's profitable these days. I can only imagine the shows that will be on schedule this fall: Who wants to marry my 8 year old brat? Extreme Makeover, Grade School Edition. Survivor: Glendale Galleria.

The people I'm working for are pretty cool and creative. That being said, Most of my job is to schedule meetings with every reality show writer-producer, and you wouldn't believe the reality shows that have actually gotten made. From "Pimp My Ride" to "Thug My Boyfriend." "I Get that A Lot, Your face Or Mine, Are You Hot? The most troubling genre of reality show to emerge is the celebrity webcam, it started with The Osbournes and now has sunk to a nadir with Living Lohan: a reality show about Lindsay's mom. I also noticed a TV special: Ashlee Simpson A Retrospective. Is Ashlee old or accomplished enough to merit a retrospective?

Even if I were working for THE coolest people on the planet, and my department is pretty cool, it brings up every inkling of regret. So many of my peers went on to achieve success as TV and film writers, producers and stars. I can pinpoint the missteps and mistakes that kept me out of that league. So when I walk in every morning and sign on as "development temp assistant," it only brings it home.

For the past year and a half my husband has been toiling away at a soul-numbing job, writing boring fund raising copy, so that I could write my book. Now it's time for me to return the favor. Many nights Larry came home, angry and depressed. I told him, "it's not for forever." So the shoe is on the other foot. Or rather, we are both wearing the same soul-numbing shoe. And he's telling me the same thing: it's not forever. Still it's hard not to feel resentful at myself, for all those bone-headed moves I made, or the right moves I failed to take, that landed me as Development Temp Assistant.

I know a little bit more about the daily activity of taking up your cross and following. So many people are out there do crappy jobs to survive. And they don't have the hope of escape. So I get to be like everyone else, with nothing spectacular to offer except an eight-hour work day.

"Whatever is good, whatever is right, whatever is lovely: think on these things." "I know how to be content in seasons of abundance or scarcity: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Wow, when was the last time I really lived that??? Maybe that's the point. I have been running on my own steam, rather than God's. I've been operating on will power and hope that my book will amount to something. I've got to get back to the basics of finding joy in the smallest things. Man, they are very small these days. So all I can do now is wait. And go to work. Tom Petty was right. The waiting is the hardest part.