How To Spell "Bad Internet Dating"

Larry's friend "Nate" is back doing Internet dating. I gotta give him credit. On his last round, he had to deal with misleading photos. Women who posted their high school pictures, their daughter’s pictures, pictures of a supermodel they were told they resembled. Of course he knew the photos to be misleading because he was gullible enough to meet them in person. Why would you do that? The deceit of it all.

This time around Nate is getting scams in his In Box. An email from someone of indeterminate gender “looking for Lady she is big moneyed for my happiness.” Another from some chick named Tammy or Debbie or Vishnu who claimed:

I can release karma and negative thought patterns. I can also help you set the energy to manifest thing’s in your life, like I can put things in my Tibetan prayer program. I am giving you superpower’s! Its $100 for 2 hour's. Its like your going, are you wonder woman or something? Well, I am!

Remember Highlights for Children?

• Find the misuses of the apostrophe of the above paragraph.
  
• And I’m like, find the bad grammar above.
  
• Find the insanity of the above.
  

I saw a piece on E! or “Extra!” some infogossiptainment show. A professional "internet dating consultant" (it was only a matter of time) recommend that one hires a photographer and makeup artist for the perfect Introductory photo. You know, the 1-inch jpeg on your home page? Make sure it's flawless. He also recommended hiring a writer to compose your bio. And if you’re shy, maybe your first emails.

• Name the French play to which this bears resemblance

When I was internet dating, a man's spelling was a big screening factor for me. One too many misused apostrophes and the guy was out of the car. Even more so was how a man expressed himself with words. How Larry wrote his bio was the first thing that got me. We corresponded for a month before we met. His words that drew me in: he was intelligent, funny and my kind of sense of humor, outlook on the world. I was so drawn in that, based on our emails I had a hunch he was “the one.”

But then I met him. On our first date Larry sent his nervous, ill-humored brother in his stead. This Larry slouched in the couch, constantly fidgeted with his hair, barely looked at me, and never asked a single question about myself.

I wondered: What happened to the intelligent, wickedly funny, soulful writer I met online? Maybe can only express himself in writing. Well no, because he's been talking for nearly three hours. Maybe he has no social skills. Maybe he'll never be good in person.

I’m surprised I went out with him a second time … even more surprised that he even asked me. He seemed to hate being on that first date. Larry later explained: I heard my therapist in my head, ‘Now Larry, everyone’s worth a second chance.’ So I gave you another shot.

• Why would this make a woman feel like poo?

But I did go out with him a second time. Well, I met him and his friends for a movie. Then he went to an essay show I was reading in. (I’m OK with dangling prepositions). Then at our next official date, the writer whose emails had wowed me started to show up in person. It was like watching a face emerge in a Polaroid. Each date, more of him showed up. The writer and the live version became one. Then I really started to like him.

But I didn’t fall in love with him. Not until HE fell in love with ME first. It's not that women are stingy. There's something in our biology that works that way. It's the primordial dance: A man pursues, a woman responds. Or as my friend Catheryn Brockett reminded me, quoting our New York landlord: “He hyas ta love you mowah.”

Larry more than made up for his early ambivalence. When he finally gave up resistance, he fell like an avalanche, and I got buried by his devotion. He made me feel loved: in what he said, did. and wrote. Yeah, he may have faltered in person. But on paper? He has never failed to wow me.

Well until today. He told me a friend coming to visit: He's going to be hear next week.

I should call off the engagement. But perfectionism suck’s.

Answers To Highlights Quiz

1. Misuses of the apostrophe

• Its like your going should be it's like you're going, because it's a contraction of "It is like you are going.
  
• The apostrophe is used to indicate an object belonging to the subject.
  Such as: Susan's spelling snobbery. Larry's dating faux pas.
• Its vs. It's: It's is a contraction of IT IS. Such as: "Wow, it's cold outside."
  Its is used as a possessive, such as Civilization and Its Discontents.
  Unless you wanted to write, "Hey, look! It's Civilization and its Discontents! Sitting at Starbucks, complaining about their lukewarm lattes!"
  
• There's No ' in Plurals!
  To show there's more than one of something, you don't add 's. You just add s, and Bob's Your Uncle, you're done!
  

2. Bad grammar

• I'm like and I go are here to stay. At least in informal conversation. But when you're writing someone, especially early in a dating relationship. You better "leave those doggies alone!" Unless you’re like, whatever beeotch, I work at a ga's station.
  

3. I can release karma ... my Tibetan prayer program gives you superpower’s!

• If Tammy/Vishnu wanted to clean out Nate's chakra or feng shui his toilet, I'd turn the other cheek. But assigning superpowers via Tibetan prayer software is beyond the incredulity pale.

4. Why would "I gave you another shot" make a woman feel crappy?

• If you don't know the answer, you should not be dating.

5. Name the French play to which this bears resemblance

Cyrano De Bergerac. The eloquent Cyrano is in love with Roxanne, but she is put off by his huge nose. A handsome, stupid man also loves Roxanne, and hires Cyrano to write love letters for him. Roxanne falls for the handsome "writer" until she discovers she has been deceived (warning to all you internet dating liars). When she discovers the true author, she repents of her vanity and loves Cyrano, big nose and all. This is the perfect love story. Well, except that Cyrano and Roxanne were cousins. Roxanne and The Truth About Cats and Dogs both borrowed this premise. Fortunately they left out the incest.