FEMME

REPORT ON THE 15 MINUTES OF FEM SHOW

Hello Friends and Creditors.

As you may know, I competed in 15 MINUTES OF FEM last night at the Egyptian Arena Theater (http://www.15minutesoffem.com) 32 women: actors, stand-ups, storytellers compete for the top spot. One winner from each night goes onto the final show in front of lots of industry big wigs, and the ultimate winner gets private meetings with all sorts of casting and agents. Which will probably amount to a "Whoa, now that I see you in tungsten lighting, you are WAY over 30. Sorry." NO seriously it would be a great opportunity.

Well my show was last night and boy was it nerve wracking. First of all, the elastic gave way on my bikini, and my sash "Miss Palms" started to slip off my shoulders. My shoulders are very narrow, despite doing a month of that "Radical Rotator Cuffs" video. I'm always going to be petite up top.

Well onto the big question, if we were Miss Femme, what would we want most in the world? The first girl said, Free Net Flix. Ooo! That was so pandering. And clever man, I would have said Starbucks or Peets, but NetFlix! She must have a publicist. The next chick said, "world peace." they went straight onto me and I said, "world peace? Shaa! Like that's ever gonna happen." It got really really really quiet. I think people were thinking deeply about that. So I'm glad I made an impact.

But when we each got to our 15 minute program, the woman who went on before me, STOLE MY WHOLE ROUTINE. I swear, right down to the cartwheel. I knew it was weird when she asked to borrow my pants before she went on.

Well okay then, I said to myself. I did not come this far to be ripped off. So I went out there and performed my entire piece in Latin and Aramaic. WITH NO SUBTITLES. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Once someone booed when I said, "did you ever notice ...?" I think they thought I said, "Jew ever notice." I'm going to cut that part out next time.

When I got home they called me. Indeed, I WON MY NIGHT! WOO HOO!

IN ALL SERIOUSNESS AND WITH ALL RESPECT AND SHOCK AND AWE

I am privileged to be a finalist, and to go on to the finalist show on March 1, along with the seven other winners from their night. Which will be on March 1. That is march 1. You are getting very sleepy. You are very relaxed. When you wake up, you will write in your Palm Pilot that you have plans to go to my show on March 1 and vote for me.

I will be performing 8 to 10 minutes of my show, 'A LUTHERAN OVULATES.'
A slightly refined and edited version of what I did last night. But I would sure love your support up to the end. I mean, just because you vote for Nader in the primaries, doesn''t guarantee he'll lose in November)

Mark your calendars and call for reservations!

15 MINUTES OF FEMME FINALIST SHOW!

Monday, March 1, 8pm
Egyptian Arena Theater
1625 N. Las Palmas, Hollywood
$10

Go to www.15minutesoffem.com or call 323-692-9601

Thank you so much! Susan

PS to all the New Yorkers: I am only including you because I know how cold and crappy it is out there right now, and just all this good news would cheer you up, or make you envious and force you to move out here! (By March 1 so you can vote)

Professional Rejection

Professional Rejection. The Actor's Daily Pill.

January 22, 2004

To: (agent Name and address omitted)
(but they're in Sherman Oaks
On Van Nuys Blvd.)


Dear ( ):

I got your Xeroxed "Dear John" letter that the agency is dropping me. Hey, no hard feelings. The day you sent me, a 5'5" 118-pound woman, to audition as a construction worker on a failing cable drama, I knew you didn't get me. But as a parting gift, I would like to offer you a few suggestions to help your business look more professional.

1. Use real stationery: real, 25 lb. bond paper with matching envelopes. Staples copy paper and Rite Aid envelopes don't work as formal correspondence. If you can't afford embossed stationery like other agencies; at least --

2. Use a letterhead. A letterhead is an identifying logo and your business address at the top of the page. It just looks tacky to have a Xerox with no sender identified. Especially if the Xerox went in crooked. And no, that rubber stamp doesn't cut it.

3. "How do I get a letterhead?" Easy. Scan your logo as a jpeg. Then you can insert into any document you want: stationery, letters, labels, you name it. If you don't know what a jpeg is, refer to your recent downloads from lesbianspankinferno.com.

4. For the love of God, Buy a copy of Microsoft Word. One disc will install on all the office computers. Your Microsoft Works barely has spell check. You cannot compete in the 21st Century if you are still using WORKS in DOS.

5. Spelling. Your rejection letter misspelled the word "for." Not even the common there/their/they're conundrum, but a simple three-letter word. "We will be closed foe the holidays." "Foe?" Who's your typist, P. Diddy?

Remember, it's not only who you are on the phone, but also what leaves your office, that is a reflection on you. The fact that I am leaving your office is also a reflection on you, but that's another story.

Speaking of phones: Hire a receptionist. The automated system that plays the same tinny music loop I hear when I call Fed Ex just screams C-LIST! And the prompt, "Please speak your name so I can announce who's calling," only reinforces this industry's wild insecurity, that the Called is deciding whether the Caller is worthy enough to be answered. God forbid Mr. Spielberg ever rang your office.

While you were not sending me out this past year, I was writing and performing at various venues in LA and New York. You know the postcards I sent? Or did the automated postal chute redirect them to "actor crap?" I performed alongside several TV writer-producers, (the ones I called and left a message for you to send them my stuff but you never did). Long and the short, I've gotten some writing gigs and I'm performing my solo show at a big theater in Hollywood. So I'll be fine.

Thanks for everything, ( ). Especially for teaching me what every actor needs to know: you cannot wait for someone else to get you work. You have to get it yourself. More importantly, you can't expect anyone to get you. You have to get yourself. Otherwise you'll be sent out to play construction workers.

Respectfully, Well, sort of,

Susan Isaacs